Pity Party for One

Have you ever had one of those weeks where you just cannot get it together? This week was that week for me.  I usually have a happy disposition, but I started this week with a cloud over my head.  No reason why.  Life has ebbs and flows, and I could feel an ebb coming.  When Tuesday came I woke up irritated.  As I got in the car to go to work I turned on the radio, and Beyonce's Single Ladies blared out.  I typically like this song and would sing along with it.  However, today I didn't want to "put my hands up".  I thought about Beyonce singing about singleness, and it made me mad.  As we all know she has been married to one of the richest men in America for some years.  She has a ring on her finger that is worth more than most people earn in their lifetime.  She takes elaborate vacations with her husband on private yachts which are staffed to meet their every whim.  I guess I should add at this point I will be 32 years old in a little over a month, and I am single as single can get.  No prospect in sight.  I guess Beyonce would be proud because all the men that would've put a ring on it, I'm not even a glimmer in their eyes.  I took your advice Beyonce, but don't quite feel liberated.

I hate those quotes about strong, single women.  The worst are the ones from Carrie Bradshaw.  Don't get it twisted, I love Sex and the City, but enough already.....

"Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed.  Maybe they just need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with them."

"The fact is, sometimes it's really hard to walk in a single woman's shoes.  That's why we need really special ones now and then to make the walk a little more fun."

Give me a break, Carrie.  I don't need an expensive pair of shoes as a consolation prize because I haven't rounded up anyone to marry me.  A pair of shoes won't make me coffee in the morning, console me when I have a bad day, or go out to eat with me on a Saturday night.  And for that matter I'm not "wild" or do I need to be "tamed".  I'm just trying to find a normal man?!  I'm more along the lines of Charlotte, "I've been dating since I was fifteen.  I'm exhausted.  Where is he?!"

I guess I have no one to blame, but myself.  I fell in love with the wrong people.  People that just weren't right for me.  All my 20's spent with people who simply just didn't want to marry me.  I read a quote one time that remarked, "If you are digging a hole in the wrong place, digging it deeper isn't going to help."  Boy, does it not.  I should of cut ties earlier when I knew something just wasn't right.  I shouldn't have held out hope that things would change, because I blinked my eye and everyone I knew was married.  I blinked again and I was holding my friends' adorable babies.  Then, I looked around and there were no single ladies around for me to go out and commiserate with, I was in this "single world" all by myself.  I am happy beyond measure for all my friends, but here lately I have felt like the last single person in the state of Alabama.  Did my person got lost in the mix somewhere?  Anyone out there,...hello? And to top it all off I just don't have the energy to date anymore.  It's text messages and Tinder.  I don't even know what to do. Everything about dating someone new sounds miserable, horrible, dreadful (and any other bad adjective), but alas I am back at square one.

So a pity party for one has occurred all week long which included a break down in the car on I-65 on the way home from work one day.  No reason, just because sometimes you need to cry and get angry at God.  And I did.  We had a good conversation in the car on the way home about what was going on in my life, and we finally sorted things out about the time I got home.  But then things took a turn for the worst. (You literally can't imagine my luck...) It was a beautiful day that day so I decided some sunshine would do me good.  Cheer me up. I gathered up my golden, Lucy, and headed to the park which proved to be the worst decision ever.  I pulled in the parking lot only to find my EX-boyfriend with his NEW girlfriend out for a run.  Really?! On the day I feel like the last single person on the Earth, this is thrown in my face,  I mean seriously?! Throw me a bone here.....good grief!   #lastpeopleIwantedtosee  I didn't even get out of the car.  I was on the phone with one of my friends, sputtered a lot of four letter words and then turned the car around and went home.  I think this incident pretty much confirmed the day was dunzo. One of my best friends always says, "Don't let the Devil steal your joy!" well he did that day.  And well played, I must say.  However, the Devil won that round, but the game isn't over yet.  I read a quote once from Marilyn Monroe that said, "She was a girl who knew how to be happy even when she was sad."  And this girl knows how to be happy.

Happy Sunday, I'm off to church to get some much needed Jesus!  I hope everyone has a good week! Good Lord knows, I am ready for a new one :)

And You Still Want to Have Children?

I went out last night to celebrate St Patrick' Day.  Now let's define what "going out" means. Depending on your age it could mean a variety of things.  When I was in college it meant dressing up with your best friends while drinking cheap beer (because you didn't have money to spend at the bar) and then heading out for a night which began at approximately 10:30 pm and ended in the wee morning hours.  I wouldn't take back those years for anything in the world, but now a night out for me consists of dinner, two drinks, and me yawning by 1100.  Also when you reach your 30's the night doesn't just end when you go to sleep it carries over into the next day when you wake up dehydrated and/or nauseous with a headache from hell.

This was pretty much the scenario last night.  Going out also reminds me of my age which is evident by the women and men much younger than me.  As my friend and I sat on the patio of a trendy new downtown bar we watched packs of young girls come in dressed to the nine.  They were all several years younger than me, but all managed to have Tory Burch and Michael Kors purses.  I watched a girl that appeared to be all of 23 years old that was dressed as if she had planned her outfit out of the pages of Lucky magazine tote in a $350 Michael Kors bag. ( I know this because I look at this bag every time I go into Belk, from afar, because I could never, ever, bring myself to buy a $350 handbag.)  $150 yes, but not $350.  Yes, I am sure this girl's daddy bought her this handbag because if she had actually earned the money, the credit card wouldn't swipe so swiftly on the purchase.  This is my competition I thought.  Younger, prettier girls that obviously come from money.  Great...

Even so we were actually having an enjoyable time until I was approached by someone.  Which on any other day would be a good thing because I rarely get approached.  I hear people actually get asked out in bars, but this never seems to happen to me.  I could tell from the get go this one wasn't a keeper (mainly because of his very awkward nature aka "no game whatsoever"), but I humored him when he told me I didn't look a day older than 27.  The first strike came when he told me he was a doctor at UAB.  After I asked him what kind, he told me he had a PhD in something.  Oh....pet peeve.  Then you're not a doctor! The only doctors in my book are medical doctors.  If you can't operate on someone you are not a doctor.  You're an expert on the topic, but not a doctor so please don't refer to yourself as one in social settings. Then it came, he eventually asked me how old I actually was.  When I told him, he followed it up with, "And you still want to have children?"  Really? Seriously dude?!  I'm 31, not 45.  Thank you for reminding me of my biological clock.  I really don't think about it near enough.  At that point he told me a bunch of more random things about himself (which I didn't care to know), he was a divorcee with two kids, 16 and 13, and kept wanting to give me random high fives at various points in the conversation. Then ended it with,  "We should exchange numbers."  Oh, good Lord have mercy.....  What about this scenario makes you think we should exchange numbers?!  When he went to go get a pen to get my number (Yes, he actually was going to write my number on  napkin like it was 1995) we left.  As my friend took me back to my car I wondered are they any just any average, normal people left or am I left with 41 year old divorcees? I really don't want to be a stepmother.  Is it too much to ask to want to be married to someone that has never been married?

Seriously, I really don't want a lot, but as I enter into my 30's, I realize the things I want seem to be hard to come by.  If I had to make a personal ad it would go something like this....  In search of someone who is good (and by that I mean someone who loves God, who is kind, thoughtful, compassionate, tolerant, and hard-working).  Someone who laughs everyday at as many things as he can. Someone who is gainfully employed. Someone who is familiar with the term "savings account".  Someone who knows how to have fun, who enjoys a drink or two (but just not 6 or 8). Someone who enjoys the little things in life.  Someone to drink a cup of coffee with in the morning.  Really, just someone whose favorite place in the world is right beside me.  So applicants are welcome, but for now I will just dodge middle-aged divorcees and hold out hope my prince charming is just around the corner.  Maybe my ovaries will hold out....maybe. :)

Happy St Patrick's Day everyone, and don't forget to wear your green tomorrow!

It's No Kind of Religion At All......

Lent is upon us.  I am not Catholic and have never really participated in Lent.  However, I thought now is a good as time as ever.  I felt like I needed to give up and add some things to my life to focus on what Jesus did for me.  Therefore, I decided to give up soft drinks, not caffeine, just soft drinks.  Let's face it I would have a raging headache everyday about 300 if I gave up caffeine.  Also, I decided to pump the brakes on worrying.  I, by nature, am not an anxious person, but I can worry with the best of them.  I worry that I left my hair straightner on in the morning.  I worry about my mother's blood pressure.  I worry that I won't ever get married.  I worry that my ovaries will be too dried up to produce a baby if I ever do get married.  I worry that I am not a good enough person.  Like I said I can worry with the best of them.  Therefore, giving up worrying is next to impossible with me.  So I decided to worry less.  I know as a Christian person worrying is useless because we know the answer.....everything is going to be OK.  We are sinners, every single one of us, but fortunately for me and you we have a loving God that sent his Son to die for us.  Jesus took what we all deserved so we could have abundant grace.  If you really grasp that, if you really accept someone died a horrible death to save you.  You are forever changed. 

I wish everyone could feel that comfort and peace that comes with that realization, but I think present day Christians go about spreading the gospel the wrong way.  This was evident when I went to Mardi Gras last weekend.  I saw a lot of self righteous people spreading hate and judgment down Bourbon Street, standing in groups spewing hateful message from their bullhorns, and it made me sick to my stomach.  How ashamed Jesus would be I thought to myself and looked at them with disappointment.  We quickly forget, Jesus did not come to call the righteous, but sinners.  As I walked back to my hotel I saw a lone evangelist by himself with a sign that said, "God is Love".  He had no bullhorn, and he smiled sweetly at me as he handed me a booklet that just simply had a printed smiley face that read, "Jesus loves you."  I went to bed with hope that some people out there still preach the message that Jesus speaks of in the gospel.

I recently read a very interesting theory in a Tim Keller book, Jesus the King. (I would highly encourage you to read a Tim Keller book no matter your stance on Christianity.  It is worth your time.)  Mr. Keller reveals that there are typically two types of people in life.  The moralist and the self-discoverer.  The moralist believes in traditional values and follows all the rules that religion sets to be a "good person."  While a person on the self-discovery path feels they must decide what is wrong and right for them.  The moralist says, "The good people are in and the bad people are out.  And of course we are the good ones"  The self discoverer says, "The progressive, open-minded people are in and the judgmental bigots are out.  And of course we are the open-minded people."  Both theories are self-righteous.  Often progressive, open-minded "urbanites" disdain religious, moralistic people who look down on others.  Mr. Keller points out the irony that the self-discovery approach leads to just as much superiority and self-righteousness that religions do.  Mr. Keller emphasizes the Gospel does not say the good are in and the bad are out; the open-minded people are in and the judgmental are out. What it does say....

"The humble are in and the and the proud are out.  The Gospel says the people who know they're not better, not more open-minded, not more moral than anyone else, are in, and the people who think they are on the right side of the divide are most in danger."

I think I will end with an imaginary conversation (which I also read in Jesus the King) between a new Christian in Rome that explains Christianity well.

Neighbor: I hear you are religious! Great! Religion is a good thing.  Where is your temple?
Christian: We don't have a temple.  Jesus is our temple.
Neighbor: No temple? But where do your priests work and do their rituals?"
Christian: We don't have priests to meditate the presence of God.  Jesus is our priest.
Neighbor: What kind of religion is this?

The answer is it's no kind of religion at all.  It is the gospel, and it's a gift that is freely given to anyone that asks for it.  No matter what religion you practice, what rules and rituals your church sees fit to practice.  That's religion, but the gospel is a gift. No matter who you are or what you've done.

If you gave up something for Lent, good luck, and hope everyone has a fantastic weekend!