Happily Ever After

I read an interesting article this week on The New York Post's website entitled, "The Science of Happily Ever After".  (You can find the article here: http://nypost.com/2014/02/02/for-real-long-lasting-love-the-no-1-trait-to-seek-is-niceness-expert/ ) With Valentine's Day fast approaching I figured the article would once again talk about finding true love and how wonderful life is once you find your "other half"; however, it was actually a very blunt article about finding a love that endures. I will turn 32 years old in just a few short months; therefore, I will take any advice I can get on how to achieve the "happily ever after" even though I have long since realized life and love are never quite like fairy tales.  I used to have time frames and deadlines, but those all went out the window a while back when I realized happiness and joy is a choice you make every day.  I choose to be a happy person.  I choose to recognize how richly blessed I am.  I'm already happy, but who wouldn't want to share all those happy moments with someone, particularly if he's cute and funny. ;)

So the article discusses how to choose a partner that will produce a long-term, happy relationship.  Specifically, it lists qualities to look for in a mate and personality traits one needs to avoid.  So what is the best personality indicator for sustaining a loving relationship?  Drum roll.......  Agreeableness aka "the nice guy".  The article specifically describes the nice guy below:

"Agreeableness, one of the Big Five personality traits in the Five Factor Model of human psychology, describes someone who is “courteous, flexible, trusting, good-natured, cooperative, forgiving, soft-hearted and tolerant.”

Well...thanks, I think I knew this, but why do most women often steer clear of these characteristics.  Why do women not just choose the nice guy?  It's "the list".  They get out that list and begin checking qualities he doesn't have than lose sight of all the good qualities he DOES have.  This article points this out, noting people are just too picky and suggested people should pick three qualities they really value in a mate, the ones that are not negotiable.  However, the author then states even three qualities are hard to find in a potential partner; "The more traits you pick that are above the average, the lower the statistical odds that you’ll find a match. And three is the tipping point."  The article then bursts my bubble indicating if I want a somewhat attractive man, that is over 6 feet tall, and makes the average income my chances are 1 in every 100 men.  What the hell?  I am getting older by the minute and live in the great state of Alabama where everyone gets married at the ripe old age of 27.  My choices are already limited, kick me when I'm down. :)

So the question is, "Are people too picky?" Do people just not compromise? Is that why the divorce rate is so high because people just aren't getting everything on their "list" from their partner?  A surprising statistic the article notes is 80% of people still believe in soul mates.  Really?! I don't get people that think there is only one person in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD that is meant just for them. It just doesn't make sense to me.  What happens if you meet your "soul mate" at 22 and then they die one year after you get married.  That's it? No second chances?  I can't buy into that.

Another statistic mentioned in the article is 90% of people will marry in their life. (So there is hope for me yet.)  Then the Debbie Downer only 3 out of 10 people will find enduring love in their relationship.  So what are qualities that should be thrown off the table when assessing your mate? Attractiveness and money.  Like Judge Judy says, "Beauty fades, dumb is forever."  I knew that already.  You are the only one that has to think the person is attractive. Let's be honest we can't all marry Ryan Gosling.  The article also notes money helps to an extent then results in extra stress and social pressures.  Like Biggie said, "Mo money, mo problems." So looks and money both can be temporary, but personality traits are often there to stay, so look for the "agreeable, nice guy".  Plus, the article notes agreeable men are often better in bed since there are typically kind and thoughtful.  So ladies nice guys should finish first. ;)

So what does the article say to avoid, the worst trait that will ruin a relationship.  "Neurotocism or someone prone to anxiety, depression, embarrassment, emotional instability and insecurity."  Reportedly, neurotic people tend to never be satisfied with their relationships, constantly worry, and typically break up with their partners (particularly if their mate is not a neurotic person).  Note to self, avoid neurotic people from this day forward. 

So the moral of the story is look for the nice guy, compromise, and avoid self-centered, neurotic people and you might just end up with a love that lasts.  I think I will end with my favorite quote from the article:

"A grown-up love story should not be a fairy tale or a romantic tragedy, but instead should be approached as a mystery.  If the goal is to find the truth in love, to search for love that is real and enduring, then love cannot be left to fate.”

Hope everyone has a good Valentine's Day tomorrow! Make sure you tell someone how much you love them (even though you should everyday)!

FYI:  Lots of the quotes and stats were taken from the book: The Science of Happily Ever After: What Really Matters in the Quest for Enduring Love (Ty Tashiro, Ph.D)

Life Without Facebook, Part 2

So I did it.  At the stroke of midnight on New Year's Day I deleted my Facebook app from my iPhone.  I was not able to see what everybody did to celebrate the new year.  However, life did go on without this knowledge.  Then on New Year's Day I decided to deactivate my account.  As I logged in it took me some time to even find out how to do so.  However, I did find the instructions.  After reading what was necessary to deactivate and reactivate your account, I realized that you must use your login email to reactivate your account.  My login email is my Auburn University email account that has been inactivate for years since I am over 30 at this point.  (Yes, I was on Facebook when you actually had to be enrolled in college to have an account.) I have tried to change my primary email, but it never works for some reason.  My mind began to wonder and I thought what if I deactivate my account and I am not able to reactivate it, losing my Facebook profile to the world wide web forever. (slight panic attack) Therefore, I decided to attempt to change my email once again and just leave my account active.  I mean I do have self-control for God's sake.

Unfortunately, my email address did change this time and now it will taunt me with messages, indicating I have notifications and unread messages. What?! After the third email indicating this, curiosity took over.  I had to find out.  Curiosity killed the cat.  As anticipated it was nothing of any relevance.  I did have several people express disappointment that I was leaving which was flattering, but I actually felt more contentment  knowing that people actually read the stuff I post and find it somewhat interesting!  Also so many people have confided in me that they too are addicted to social media. However, I've learned social media doesn't control you unless you let it.  It isn't bad to log into Facebook at times.  It is bad to have to look at it constantly throughout the day, wasting time that could be spent actually enjoying life.  In fact, Facebook actually helped when the Snowpocalypse happened last month.  When I was stranded in my office, Facebook helped me more than anything to determine what roads were safe to travel.  So the moral of the story is I needed to pump the brakes on MY Facebooking, BUT it turns out I was the problem and not Facebook. Here are some suggestions (well some are pet peeves) to help social media NOT control your life.

• Delete the Facebook app from your phone.  I still don't have the app on my phone.  You don't need it.  Plus, you won't look at it during boring meetings at work, while in traffic (don't act like you haven't), or any other opportunity throughout the day.  Plus, you won't get those annoying notifications tempting you to check your Facebook.
• Swear Facebook off at work.  Some employers ban it, smart move because if you have a job like me where you sit in an office you look at it too much.  Has it increased my productivity at work?  I don't know about that; I am a pretty good procrastinator.
• Resist the urge to share every Instagram picture you take with Facebook. (Guilty as charged!)
• If you do login only look at people you really care about, block people from your Newsfeed you don't.  No one wants to see someone you randomly knew in college taking an elaborate European vacation, someone who comments on every stupid social issue, or your ex having so much fun in his new relationship.
• You don't have to read every single BuzzFeed.  I secretly believe the devil made that site up to kill productivity.
• Resist the urge to like every single status you see.  I never really did this, but I see some people that have liked every single status on my Newsfeed. WTF? You don't really like all that or either your the most optimistic person on the planet.

• Don't friend people you don't know.  I mean when did Facebook become My Space? Sorry, I'm not going to add you as a friend just because we grew up in the same vicinity or because we have three mutual friends.  I need to have actually met you in person to add you as a friend.  I see people with 1000 friends on Facebook and I'm flabbergasted; I don't even know 1000 people.

• Stop wishing people Happy Birthday that you barely know.  I have a test for you.  Compare how many people call or text you on your birthday to your Facebook Newsfeed.  Those are your real friends.  You know the people that remember your birthday by memory not because the right side of your Facebook reminds you.

• For the love of everything good, stop posting close-up pictures of your engagement ring with the caption, "I said yes!" #petpeeve

• Last, but not least.  If you are in a happy relationship with someone I, too, am happy for you.  However, I have a small suggestion for you.  Text them, call them, or just tell them in person about your feelings.  Don't communicate your feelings over Facebook, that is unless you are 16 then this is acceptable.  If you are over the age of 20 no one needs updates on your "soul mate". 

Have a good day everyone and see ya on Facebook! (Just not as often.)