Happily Ever After

I read an interesting article this week on The New York Post's website entitled, "The Science of Happily Ever After".  (You can find the article here: http://nypost.com/2014/02/02/for-real-long-lasting-love-the-no-1-trait-to-seek-is-niceness-expert/ ) With Valentine's Day fast approaching I figured the article would once again talk about finding true love and how wonderful life is once you find your "other half"; however, it was actually a very blunt article about finding a love that endures. I will turn 32 years old in just a few short months; therefore, I will take any advice I can get on how to achieve the "happily ever after" even though I have long since realized life and love are never quite like fairy tales.  I used to have time frames and deadlines, but those all went out the window a while back when I realized happiness and joy is a choice you make every day.  I choose to be a happy person.  I choose to recognize how richly blessed I am.  I'm already happy, but who wouldn't want to share all those happy moments with someone, particularly if he's cute and funny. ;)

So the article discusses how to choose a partner that will produce a long-term, happy relationship.  Specifically, it lists qualities to look for in a mate and personality traits one needs to avoid.  So what is the best personality indicator for sustaining a loving relationship?  Drum roll.......  Agreeableness aka "the nice guy".  The article specifically describes the nice guy below:

"Agreeableness, one of the Big Five personality traits in the Five Factor Model of human psychology, describes someone who is “courteous, flexible, trusting, good-natured, cooperative, forgiving, soft-hearted and tolerant.”

Well...thanks, I think I knew this, but why do most women often steer clear of these characteristics.  Why do women not just choose the nice guy?  It's "the list".  They get out that list and begin checking qualities he doesn't have than lose sight of all the good qualities he DOES have.  This article points this out, noting people are just too picky and suggested people should pick three qualities they really value in a mate, the ones that are not negotiable.  However, the author then states even three qualities are hard to find in a potential partner; "The more traits you pick that are above the average, the lower the statistical odds that you’ll find a match. And three is the tipping point."  The article then bursts my bubble indicating if I want a somewhat attractive man, that is over 6 feet tall, and makes the average income my chances are 1 in every 100 men.  What the hell?  I am getting older by the minute and live in the great state of Alabama where everyone gets married at the ripe old age of 27.  My choices are already limited, kick me when I'm down. :)

So the question is, "Are people too picky?" Do people just not compromise? Is that why the divorce rate is so high because people just aren't getting everything on their "list" from their partner?  A surprising statistic the article notes is 80% of people still believe in soul mates.  Really?! I don't get people that think there is only one person in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD that is meant just for them. It just doesn't make sense to me.  What happens if you meet your "soul mate" at 22 and then they die one year after you get married.  That's it? No second chances?  I can't buy into that.

Another statistic mentioned in the article is 90% of people will marry in their life. (So there is hope for me yet.)  Then the Debbie Downer only 3 out of 10 people will find enduring love in their relationship.  So what are qualities that should be thrown off the table when assessing your mate? Attractiveness and money.  Like Judge Judy says, "Beauty fades, dumb is forever."  I knew that already.  You are the only one that has to think the person is attractive. Let's be honest we can't all marry Ryan Gosling.  The article also notes money helps to an extent then results in extra stress and social pressures.  Like Biggie said, "Mo money, mo problems." So looks and money both can be temporary, but personality traits are often there to stay, so look for the "agreeable, nice guy".  Plus, the article notes agreeable men are often better in bed since there are typically kind and thoughtful.  So ladies nice guys should finish first. ;)

So what does the article say to avoid, the worst trait that will ruin a relationship.  "Neurotocism or someone prone to anxiety, depression, embarrassment, emotional instability and insecurity."  Reportedly, neurotic people tend to never be satisfied with their relationships, constantly worry, and typically break up with their partners (particularly if their mate is not a neurotic person).  Note to self, avoid neurotic people from this day forward. 

So the moral of the story is look for the nice guy, compromise, and avoid self-centered, neurotic people and you might just end up with a love that lasts.  I think I will end with my favorite quote from the article:

"A grown-up love story should not be a fairy tale or a romantic tragedy, but instead should be approached as a mystery.  If the goal is to find the truth in love, to search for love that is real and enduring, then love cannot be left to fate.”

Hope everyone has a good Valentine's Day tomorrow! Make sure you tell someone how much you love them (even though you should everyday)!

FYI:  Lots of the quotes and stats were taken from the book: The Science of Happily Ever After: What Really Matters in the Quest for Enduring Love (Ty Tashiro, Ph.D)