Bridal Gene Deletion

"I'm engaged!" The overwhelming excitement that comes from others when you speak those words is unlike anything I have experienced in my life. I am 34 years old. I've graduated from college, obtained a masters degree, and bought a house all by my lonesome, and I have never received the same praise and excitement. It was like I was finally in their club. A sigh of relief from some. "Oh good. She won't be an old spinster." In their head silently analyzing, "She might even have time to have a kid or two, even though she is nearing the dreaded advanced maternal age." For me, it just felt like other people confirming that I was going to marry Hank (aka my fiance). I knew I was going to marry him for quite some time, now, everybody else was just in on the secret. And by the way I hate the word fiancé. Someone needs to come up with a better word; it sounds so obnoxious.

The proposal was not romantic, which fits my personality. I am not romantic, always finding grand gestures of love, Valentine's Day, red roses, poetry, etc., silly and useless. I'm more of the "let's love each other every day as much as we can" type of gal. It was a regular Friday, other than the fact I had just learned  I might possibly have to buy a brand new HVAC unit and was extremely irritated. I was standing in my kitchen unloading the dishwasher, and I turned around to see Hank standing there with a ring box saying, "Will you marry me?" I remember my first words were, "I don't even have on make-up!" After explaining he just couldn't wait any longer, I got around to responding that yes, of course I would. I put on the ring and looked at it. The first thought in my head was, "Am I old enough to marry someone?" I mean there are people my age who have multiple children and have been married 10+ years, but I didn't feel old enough to be engaged. I wore the ring on my hand for about an hour before I even decided to call someone. I felt the same. You think you will suddenly feel like an adult, but you don't. I am beginning to wonder if I ever will.

I'll admit it that Sunday, I got on Pinterest excited to plan a wedding. I looked at venues, dresses, flowers, etc., thinking about my small wedding with my closest friends and family. That excitement lasted approximately a week, then it became stressful and dreadful and expensive. Like crazy expensive, like who has this kind of money and who would spend it on just ONE DAY. I remember logging on to one of those wedding websites one day, and it informed that the average wedding in Alabama costs approximately $27,000. Some people make $27,000 in one year; they have to work a whole year to make that. Geez Louise, people are insane! Just to rent the venue alone is a pain in the ass because to find one that costs less than $5000 is a task in itself. Oh, you think just get married at home. Well then you have to pay a busload of vendors to come out to your house to set up which in turn does not save you any money. Just FYI I checked. Then after you finally book the venue, there is a whole other laundry list of things you have to book; I mean the list is freaking never ending. (Note: thinking about starting a business, just put "wedding" in front of it and you can charge people twice as much.) I got engaged the first week in January, by the beginning of February, I went to a bridal shop with one of my best friends to browse a sample sale. When we arrived we were given a number and told to wait in a line about 20 girls deep. We looked at each other surprised, but sat down. After sitting for 30 minutes and not one person had budged, we decided to call it quits and went to the coffee shop across the street.

I remember looking at those girls with all their extended family members, so excited to try on gowns. I, on the other hand, had on a flannel shirt, my hair in a bun, and the mascara I wore from the night before. Something is wrong with me, I thought. I should be excited. I shouldn't be thinking of my grocery list. I should want to try on dresses and plan my wedding, but the fact of the matter is, I just don't.

I just don't want any if it. I don't want a $5000 gown. I don't want a $1000 cake. I don't want to pay someone $500 to do my hair and make-up on my wedding day. I don't want 8 bridesmaids. I don't want to be the center of attention; I don't want a "fuss" made over me. I don't want save-the-date cards or elaborate invitations. I don't want to walk down an aisle with everyone gazing at me; in fact, the thought of it is causing me anxiety now. When you tell people you do not want the aforementioned things, they don't believe you. "You want a wedding." "You will regret it." "You've never thought about your dream wedding? Even when you were a little girl? Really?" "Aren't you excited?" No, I'm not excited because I'm planning a party for 150 of my closest friends and family, and I don't have time to be excited. Alas, here I am planning a wedding for everyone else. I told someone the other day the sooner you realize your wedding is more or less a party that has nothing to do with you and everything to do with everyone else, the better off you are. You are essentially buying dinner and drinks for your closest friends and family, and after the realization that the wedding is just a small piece of this party, things don't seem that bad. So, I'm going to have a wedding, not a $27,000 wedding, but a nice wedding. It is exactly what I thought it would be? No, absolutely not. I would marry Hank at the courthouse tomorrow with an ear to ear grin.

 

 

 

However, big wedding or small wedding or no wedding, I win either way. I found someone to marry that adores me, and that is the hard part. Everything else will fall into place, it always does. Right? If it doesn't, just lie to me at this point.

Sincerely,

A Woman Missing the Bridal Gene

Love Anyway

I wake up; I look at my phone. Something terrible has happened. You would think this would be a rare occurrence, but in America, it's not. It's almost a daily routine.

A man shot and killed people in a gay night club just because he didn't agree with their sexuality.
A police officer shot and killed a black man because he was reaching for his license.
A sniper shot multiple police officers because they were white.

"I don't understand it," I told my fiancé while we were watching the aftermath of what happened last night on television this morning. How can anyone have that much hate in their heart for someone just because of something as simple as the color of their skin, their sexuality, or their faith. I do not know how we got here, and I pray that we can find a path to righteousness. However, I fear that we go thicker into the woods with every day that passes.

I still believe, although it is really hard to these days, people are essentially good at heart. I think people want to do the right thing. No one is born being "bad" or "evil." We are taught these skills, whether directly by our parents, our environment, television, or simply life circumstances. What we are doing today is not fostering loving relationships but further separating us. Further pointing out how we are all so different, when in reality, we are all really the same. Just people. Human beings that want to be loved.

I listened to the mayor and the police chief of Dallas this morning express they were men of faith, and they requested everyone pray for our country today. I am a woman of faith too, and if I wasn't, I would be lost in the world we live in today. This world where "bad" is emphasized, and "good" is so often overlooked. Every bad thing that happens, I always think of this piece of scripture:

Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?

Jesus replied: Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.

Matthew 22:36-40 (NIV)

I know people like to cherry pick from the Bible to reinforce their agenda and belief system, but the consistent message in the New Testament is plain and simple, LOVE ONE ANOTHER. I dare you to read the Gospel and count how many times the word love is used. This is what Jesus taught; he spoke directly to his disciples and told them EVERYTHING hinges on LOVE. Your neighbor is not just the person that lives next door. It is your coworker, your best friend, your husband or wife, your mother and father, your sibling, the person that works at the gas station, the person at the drive-thru window, and even people who look different than you, who act different  than you, and who do things that you don't understand. It even includes the people you don't really care for, so love them anyway. Just like Mother Teresa said, "Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough. Give the best you've got anyway." Whether you believe in Jesus, God, or some other higher being, what if we ALL just practiced these two commandments? I honestly believe the world we live in would be different because when you are loving someone there is no room left to judge. So let's start loving one another today, even when it is hard, and we don't feel like it. Even when people are mean and hateful. Even when they don't love us in return. Love anyway. Just like a wise man once said, "I have decided to stick with love, hate is too great a burden to bear."

Love one another and be happy. -M 

A Christmas Post: The Perfect Gift

I see "holiday trees" strung with lights and decorated with shiny ornaments.  I see wreaths on doors and lights everywhere, on street corners and strung around houses.  I see presents, lots of presents, more than most people need or want wrapped elaborately.  I see Santa Clause in the local mall with children standing in line, anxiously awaiting to tell this strange man all their desires. I see Frosty blew up in my neighbor's yard.  I find Christmas cards in my mailbox that are professionally edited.  I see holiday treats, candy canes, tacky sweaters, eggnog, peppermint mochas, and hot chocolate.  I see Happy Holidays everywhere I look.

What I don't see is nativity scenes or "Merry Christmas" because these things are no longer politically correct and might possibly offend someone's religious beliefs, which I don't understand.  I would take no offense if someone told me Happy Hanukkah or Kwanzaa.  These are all just merely greetings expressed with love to wish you happiness.  During my holiday, I celebrate Christmas, the time my Savior was born.  My life would be forever altered if God had not loved the world so much that he sent His Son to die for my sins.  I would not have hope, grace, mercy, or eternal life.  So even if you don't believe Jesus is the Messiah, the Great I Am, the Kings of Kings, you have to admit he was a pretty awesome person, the most awesome person ever in my book.  So if you are like me, and at times forget what Christmas is all about, here is a Christmas story about the greatest gift ever given, the greatest love story ever written:

And it came to pass in those days that a decree went out from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be registered.  This census first took place while Quirinius was governing Syria.  So all went to be registered, everyone to his own city.  Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judea, to the city of David, which is called Bethlehem, because he was of the house and lineage of David,  to be registered with Mary, his betrothed wife, who was with child.  So it was, that while they were there, the days were completed for her to be delivered.  And she brought forth her firstborn Son, and wrapped Him in swaddling cloths, and laid Him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.

Now there were in the same country shepherds living out in the fields, keeping watch over their flock by night.   And behold, an angel of the Lord stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were greatly afraid.  Then the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which will be to all people.  For there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.  And this will be the sign to you: You will find a Babe wrapped in swaddling cloths, lying in a manger.”

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying:

 “Glory to God in the highest,
And on earth peace, goodwill toward men!”

 So it was, when the angels had gone away from them into heaven, that the shepherds said to one another, “Let us now go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has come to pass, which the Lord has made known to us.”  And they came with haste and found Mary and Joseph, and the Babe lying in a manger. Now when they had seen Him, they made widely known the saying which was told them concerning this Child.  And all those who heard it marveled at those things which were told them by the shepherds.  But Mary kept all these things and pondered them in her heart.  Then the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, as it was told them.

Luke 2:1-20

Merry Christmas (of course in the most politically correct way) to everyone out there! I hope you are filled with the joy of the season!  

Blessings in Disguise and First World Problems: A Thanksgiving Post

I saw a post on Pinterest the other day and it started my little mind to thinking.....

And you know we might just be.  I often see thanksgiving posts around this time, giving thanks for all the obvious things.  Blatant blessings that everyone can easily identify.  Therefore, I thought I would take 10 complaints that frequently come from my mouth and thank God for them.  You know what the Good Book says, Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus (1 Thessalonians 5:18)

1. Traffic:  I have a car to drive, it works, and it is paid off.  Plus, when I drive to work I have all that extra time. ;) I mean when else would I call my friends if not when in the car? Now I just need to remind myself while I am sitting on I-65 for an hour and a half to get to work because there was a fender bender.
2. Politics:  I live in America. Period.  I get to say whatever I want, go to church wherever I please, and I get to vote to choose who I want to run my country (even if I don't agree with the end result)! I was astounded at a quote I read recently regarding greed in America in comparison to the other 210 countries in the world, "Americans spend more on trash bags than the individual gross national product of 90 of these countries.  Even more astoundingly, we spend more on eating out than the individual gross national product of 200 of these nations."  (Margin, Richard Swenson)  Confirmation that God does bless America, abundantly!
3. People Who Choose to Live Off the Government:  Boy, do I love to complain about this one, but thank God I can work.  I have an able body and can contribute to society.  I would not want it any other way.  Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people (Colossians 3:23) 
4. Nothing to Wear: Somewhere there is someone with holes in their shoes and no winter coat or worse yet no clothes at all! I have a closet full of clothes, multiple pairs of shoes, and several coats to keep me warm.  First world problems right here people!
5. Being Single:  I have the money and time to do a lot of things I probably would not have been able to do if I was married off with  a couple of kids.  In the last couple of years, I have seen the Rocky Mountains, bought a townhome, and sat on a beach in Mexico while enjoying an ice cold adult beverage.  The role of "single woman" is really not that bad most of the time.
6. My Job: I work with special needs children. It is challenging and depressing at times, but I have a job.  Many do not. The End.
7. Waiting: I wait in traffic, in line, on hold, for my future husband to walk into my life, to do work I should be doing, for my life to turn out the way I envisioned in my head, etc. However, waiting builds patience and God makes everything beautiful in its time (Eclesiastes 3:11)  Reminds me of a C.S. Lewis quote I read recently, "I am sure that God keeps no one waiting unless He sees that it is good for them to wait."
8. My Age: Aging is inevitable, but it is better than the alternative.  None of us are getting out of here alive.  God has blessed me with 32 years and I hope I get many, many more.  I want lots and lots of wrinkles and time spent in rocking chairs on front porches.  Wrinkles go where smiles have been and I am learning life really does get better with age.   
9. Money: I don't have a lot and usually at the end of the month I have even less.  Nevertheless, I have money to pay my bills, put clothes on my back, a roof over my head, food in my belly, and more often than not I have a little money left over every month to do whatever I please.  Like the Good Book reminds me, "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth........But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven......for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." (Matthew 6:19-21) 
10. The Dreaded Internet:  Sometime I wished I still lived in that elusive time when there was not such thing as wireless internet, Facebook, Instagram, and data plans.  My internet is down, my phone is not working, there is no free Wifi?!?  What a blessing in disguise because we might just talk to people at dinner and gaze at beautiful things instead of taking selfies and filtered pictures. 

So, I am one of the luckiest people alive.  I am sure of it.   We all are.  Right now someone is praying for something God has already blessed you with.  A healthy body, money to pay the bills, a spouse, food, clean water, a child, a warm house, loving parents, a job, a friend, and the list goes on and on.  I wanted to end with one of my favorite pieces of scripture from the apostle Paul.  He had a challenging life, but always had a grateful heart, full of thanksgiving. Something this complainer really needs to strive for.

"I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."  (Philippians 4:11-12)

Dating in Your 30s: 101

I am 32. I am single.  Did I think this would be my life as a little girl? No. I will say, I was never the little girl that dreamed of princess dresses, lavish receptions, and 10 bridesmaids.  Nor did I dream for a man to take care of me where I could stay at home with two babies on my hip.  I'll admit it, I don't notice cute babies in the grocery store and the mention of a "save the date" card makes me cringe.  However, I did think that at the age of 32 my life would look different.  I've been dating my whole adult life.  I feel like I have put adequate effort into the search, but something always seems to not quite add up with each of my boyfriends, and I've had a few.  The one who was your best friend; that one you haven't seen in years and you hear that song on the radio and you wonder what he is doing and if he ever thinks about you.  The handsome one; the one you liked immediately, the one you could never get enough of, the one you smile when you think about now. The one that spoiled you because he thought material things would make you like him even though he could tell you didn't.  The picture perfect guy; the one you really should have liked because there is absolutely nothing wrong with him, but you couldn't make yourself.  The one who broke your heart and makes you think twice about falling in love again; that one who didn't love you as much as you loved him.  I have had my fair share.  So the million dollar question is: How do you meet someone when you are in your 30s?

1. You have to make yourself go out on the weekends.  I love when my married friends tell me, "I don't see how you do that anymore!" Trust me, I would love to sit on my couch, order pizza, and watch redbox, but my dog doesn't talk back to me and that scenario isn't going to find me a companion. So, yes, you get lonely and you go out.  
2. Next, you have to find someone to go out with which is a chore within itself because all your friends at this point are married off with kids.  So you might have a couple of friends that are still single with disposable incomes (if you are lucky) or you go out with your coupled off friends that have yet to have children.  Being the third wheel, the fifth wheel, the seventh wheel, is always a desirable position! #NOT  It is fun at times, but when everybody gets to go home with someone at the end of the night and you don't, not so much.
3. Once you round you up someone to go out with, you have to find the place that people your age actually go so you can have an enjoyable time.  An enjoyable time does not include loud music and waiting 15 minutes for an overpriced drink.  Once you and your friend/s actually get out, I will admit the scenario usually goes like this:  You will have a couple of drinks and most likely no one will approach you, then you will go home.  Once you get home, you will take off your make-up then spend time analyzing your wrinkles on your face and wonder how much longer you have before you get gray hair and need Botox in your forehead to even give the impression that you are still young and viable. Let's be honest men in their 30s don't date 32 year old women; they date 27ish aged girls, ones that don't know the definition of crow's feet or thought about their biological clock.
4. So you are not having any luck with people approaching you out; therefore, your friends will suggest you meet someone at work.. That's a great idea for some, not for me.  I work with all women.  Seriously, three men work with me, all of which are married.  The next feasible suggestion would be go out with the girls for happy hour, you might meet someone! See you are forgetting, most of my work friends have children that they must pick up, dinner they have to fix, homework they have to do, sports practice, etc.  Happy hour is not a priority when you have  found your happily ever after.
5. Older people love to tell you to go to church to meet a nice boy  Actually, I do go to church, but no one has ever had a "Come to Jesus" moment and asked me out in church.  Usually what will happen is you will walk in and the usher will ask you who you are meeting.  (Thanks for reminding me I'm alone!) Your response: "No, I'm not meeting anyone."  Word to the wise once they figure out you are single, they will sit  you in the most awful place in the whole sanctuary.  I guess couples or families only get to sit on the aisle and in the back.  You're single?  Let's give you a seat way up in the front and in the middle of the pew.  And don't even try to got Sunday School or Bible study.  You're too old for the "young professional" group when you are in your 30s, but you can't go to any of the 30s groups because they are all for married couples! I literally searched for a Sunday School on my church's website the other day and came up empty handed! I put in my age and martial status in the search engine and it responded with "no results".  So basically, if you are in your 30s and single in the Bham area, good luck!  You're better off studying the Bible at home.
6. Go on a blind date.  They are horrible, but it is an option.  My blind date stories are too hilarious and many to even mention, but I have to tell one.  I ran into a guy that I had  unsuccessfully went on a date with a couple of weeks ago at the same bar, with the same outfit on, with another girl basically sitting in the same spot approximately one week after we went out.  As I walked to the bathroom, I just shook my head and smiled.  He will forever be known as the "date outfit guy".  Though, the best is when one of your friends tries to set you up with someone that they themselves would never go out with, but they think y'all would be the perfect match. #ohplease  Just because I'm getting older doesn't mean anybody can fill the significant other position.
7. Last, but not least online dating.  You will be at your house on a Sunday afternoon, by yourself, probably torturing yourself by watching some Hallmark Channel or Lifetime movie where everything turns out perfectly and you will see the commercial.  You know the one.  The one where the handsome couple looks like they are having a great time on their date.  You think that could be me and you join as you think about all the things you and your new boyfriend are going to do on Sunday afternoons.  The reality is there are a lot of normal people on online dating, but a lot of crazy people too.  A couple of weeks ago, a 63-year old man sent me a message with only one sentence, "You look delicious".  I vomited a little bit in my mouth.   A) You are old enough to be my grandfather. B) You are overweight and have a mustache which is gray. 3) You live in the middle of nowhere Mississippi.  Nothing about this scenario makes sense.  Needless to say that is why they make a block feature. 

I read a quote recently that stated: "Don't be scared to walk alone. Don't be scared to like it."  So what do you do in the mean time when you're walking alone?  You go out on Friday nights and drink $9 glasses of wine, you go to Target and TJMaxx and buy all the things you really don't need, you spend time with your parents, you read the Bible more, you go to nice restaurants and buy $25 entrees and dessert just for good measure, you help out your friends, you stay out late on Saturday nights, you buy Starbucks lattes, you celebrate with your friends when they find their mate, you throw baby showers, you put extra money in the offering plate, and you take vacations and trips even if you have to go by yourself to see things that take your breath away.  This life is so full of beautiful things I have yet to see and people that I have yet to meet.  So while I do have a little extra time and money in my pockets, I'm gonna do as much as I can because one day maybe I won't.  All you can do is lay down at night, say your prayers, and have faith that somewhere there is someone that is also wondering where you are, waiting for you to walk into their lives.

My Religion is Better than Yours

When I scroll through my Facebook feed I often see the piñata that everybody likes to hit, Pastor Joel Osteen.  I have occasionally watched Joel Osteen sermons and read several of his books.  Are they deep theological studies? No, not by any means.  I realize them for what they are, self-help books.  Books that focus on positive thinking and choosing joy versus self pity and hopelessness.  I read an article recently from a fellow pastor revealing his thoughts on Osteen, "There are worst things than being happy and encouraging."  Yes, there are I thought to myself as I chuckled.  Our God is good all the time, and as the scripture points out multiple times he wants you to fulfill your purpose and live life to the fullest.  So Mr. Osteen doesn't miss the mark completely when he says God wants you to he happy.  People just confuse what "happy" means which isn't "prosperity", a big house, immediate gratification, nice things, and answered prayers (typically in the fashion that we planned out in our head).   To live a true Christ-like life one must suffer, just like Jesus, to be the person God intended them to be.  I know I will have trials and periods of suffering in my life, but that doesn't mean God is punishing me or forgotten me. Nor do I believe when I am good, God rewards me with material things.  I attempt everyday to be good person because of what Jesus has done FOR ME.  I am forever in his debt.

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him." 1 Corinthians 2:9

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11 

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

The Gospel and religion are not one in the same.  The Gospel is what Jesus Christ did for you so you could have eternal life.  The Christian religion is just how you choose to recognize and celebrate that fact.  You might sing hymns acapella in an old church, you might say prayers in unison, you might raise your hands while you listen to contemporary music played by a full band, or you might sit by yourself on Sunday morning and read your Bible.  Worship is all those things, so which one is right?  ALL OF THEM.  I just wish people would stop questioning the way people choose to worship and celebrate people coming together to praise our Heavenly Father.  We are all his children, how we quickly forget and point the finger....  I don't like Joel Osteen, he preaches that "prosperity gospel".  I don't like Joyce Meyers, she is a woman and should not be preaching the word of God.  I don't like this church because they have contemporary music and meet in an auditorium.  I don't like TV evangelists.  You shouldn't christen you child; God only accepts people that have been fully submerged in water.  You should take communion every Sunday.  Women should be submissive at all times. Don't go to church there because they let homosexuals attend.  And the list goes on and on..... 

We cannot see the forest for the trees. Stop worrying about others and rejoice in the fact Jesus came to save us all.  That's right, anyone and everyone.  All those that are burdened and need rest.  Even those "horrible sinners", which in case you have forgotten is every one of us. "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners." (Mark 2:17)
Stop worrying who is praising God the correct way.  "For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them." (Matthew 18:20).  So you might not like TV evangelists, but what if just one non-believer turned on the TV and heard a message and decided to accept Jesus Christ into their hearts or decided to go to church the next Sunday.  Would it not all be worth it so that one extra person is given eternal life or would we still be worried about the motives of the person preaching the message?  Reminds me of a parable Jesus taught from Luke:

“Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent."

I would rather be the redeemed sinner myself....

10 Things Every Yankee Should Know Before Moving to the South

1. We do assume you are from "The North" if you grew up anywhere outside the southeastern United States.  It doesn't matter if you are from Michigan or New York you will be lumped with the rest of the Yankees in the territory called "The North". 
2. You can pretty much say anything about someone and just add "bless their heart" and you are still being nice.  And being nice is treasured in the South.  We don't like when people are blunt, brash, or brazen.  We would rather you skirt the topic or tell white lies to avoid hurt feelings.  I mean you catch more bees with honey, right?  If you are the aforementioned characteristics we will call you ugly names (i.e., bitch) behind your back most likely, but we will add he/she is probably just that way because they grew up in "The North".
3. We call everyone "ma'am" and "sir".  It's not to offend you and make you feel old.  It's polite and respectful.  Therefore, don't tell southern children not to call you these names or you will get eyes from their mother. 
4. You need to pick a team.  We don't care if you don't like football.  We do.  Men and women alike count down the days till College GameDay plays that first Saturday.  You are going to pick an SEC team and then be prepared to discuss what your team did on Mondays at the office.  And don't you dare schedule an event (unless it is a football party) during a big conference game.  That is unless you don't want anyone to come and the people there to be constantly checking their phones for the score.  If you MUST have an event during football season please have a television with the game playing for everyone's viewing pleasure. 
5. If you are invited to a Thanksgiving dinner and asked to bring dressing, don't bring stuffing.  They are different.  The biggest difference being dressing is good and stuffing is not.
6. Please don't tell me my accent is "cute" and ask me to speak on cue.  And since we are talking about accents, don't assume my accent makes me stupid, backwoods, uneducated, or racist.  All people in the South are not racist bigots.  I know this might be a big surprise to some, but all the racist people in the country do not huddle in the southeastern United States; they are all over this country.  In fact there are probably more in NYC than in rural Alabama.
7. We like most things monogrammed.  So if you are asked to bring a gift to a shower or party if it is monogrammed you will most likely win brownie points.  
8. There are terms you need to learn and incorporate into your vocabulary.  The main one being y'all which refers to more than one person.  If you use terms like "you guys" we will call you out.  Another is "fixing to".  I will use it in a sentence, "I'm fixing to run to the grocery store."  It means an event that is about to occur in the immediate future.  Here are just a few colloquialisms you might hear around the South with explanations when necessary:
• Wild as a buck
• Mad as a wet hen
• Her crow is always the blackest (someone who brags)
• Lord have mercy (This one can be used in various situations.)
• That dog won't hunt (something that is bound to fail)
• Full as a tick
• Living high on the hog/Walking in high cotton (someone who is wealthy)
• I'm sweating like a whore in church
• He wouldn't hit a lick at a snake (someone who is lazy)
• Raked over the coals (chewed out)
• They got into a "fisticuffs" (physical fight)
• He's "sweet on you" (someone who has crush on someone)
• Rode hard and put up wet (someone who has had a hard life or just exhausted)
• That's about as useless as tits on a boar hog
• You can get glad in the pants you got mad in
• He doesn't have a pot to piss in
• I laid out all night (someone who partied hard)
• Give me sugar (kisses.)
• I had to go around my elbow to get to my thumb (The longest/hardest way to do a simple task.)
• Crazy as a pet coon
• I haven't seen you in a month of Sundays
• I've known you since you were "knee-high to a grasshopper"
• The devil must be beating his wife (It's raining while the sun is shining.)
• I am about to jerk a knot in your tail
• How's your mama and 'em?
9. There will be food that you might not eat in the "The North" because it is "bad for you".   The one thing about the South is we realize food is one of life's best pleasures.  We eat carbs without shame.  Cornbread, grits, and biscuits are staples.  We fry fish, chicken, even the chicken's livers, and bologna, which don't knock it till you try it.  We drink SWEET tea and Cokes.  Which reminds me we use Coke as a blanket term to refer to any kind of soft drink (i.e., Pepsi, Mt Dew, Dr. Pepper, etc.)  Don't worry we eat vegetables too, even though they might be slow cooked all day on the stove with ham and bacon.  Casseroles are also a staple and most women have a casserole case which is most likely monogrammed. 
10. Last, but not least, lots of people own guns down here, most for hunting purposes.  So don't tell responsible, hard-working citizens your views on stricter gun control, that is unless you want to get yourself into a hot mess.

For more information about the South watch the video below. :)